...

sentences
trailing in the wind

kites
bound to the ground
with their strings flying instead

masks
turned inside out
revealing
the very emotions they were meant to hide



(No, I did not make a statement.)

Journeying on...

Yes, I journey on.

Sometimes stopping, sometimes speeding on. At times being carried away by currents of wind and the currents of the ocean. At other times, being stopped by things floating in the water, or simply reaching stagnant water that does not flow nor allow one to flow. Yet, I journey on, for this journey has no end. Iska koi ant nahin hai.

I realize, each time I look back, and each time I look ahead, that this journey is, and has always been, all about finding out who and what 'I' am. I realize that I have been on a long, seemingly never-ending search of myself. I believed that each step, good or bad, would take me closer to this understanding.

Now, waking up from a long period of stupor, I realize that I will never 'find' myself, for, with each step I take and each thing I do, I am 'making' myself. I realize that I can take it in my hands, decide who or what I want to be, and mould myself... into anything I want.

And so I will strive, I will struggle. I will live.

...

Going Yellow - Or, കൊന്നക്കാലം

A windy day that kept on promising that it would be a rainy day, but turned out to be just a dusty day.

Momentary moments of illumination...

Silence

After a long long time, it feels good to be on my own, to be - well - not so much at peace and yet be at peace... to be silent, to be alone. To feel that yes, 'I' am still alive.

And it feels like getting back to square one... right where I started (or so it seems, at least.) I am still searching, even though I did find some jumbled parts of the answer.

And yet, some things have drastically changed... some voids have got permanently filled, but it makes me want to leave some others unfilled..... perhaps for a reason to go on.

'March on, forward' is what you always said, and I am eternally grateful. But I also realize that it is not something that I didn't know: I have always marched on, and will surely do so again.

The only things that remain unchanged are these eternal doubts of mine... maybe I am a doubting Thomas, after all. Whatever I do, however things turn up, these only seem to increase instead of decrease. And your ways don't help in the least.

And, in your own words, "Silence/Is not the secrecy of words/But the eloquence of the mind." Therefore, (maybe since I understand it better,) my silence looks better to me than yours.

Forgive me.

H(o)mmmmmmmm(e)!!

Home is one place which is different each time you go back to it... even though things there (or people, for that matter) do not change. Maybe it just shows you how much you have changed over the time you were away. Sigh. In that way then home is a mirror... of many things...

Last night my mind was flooded with a lot of memories of those innocent times when I loved home. (Of course, I had no other place to think of as my own, so then it is very natural, but still.)

Now, as a friend put it, this is what it does to me: H(o)mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm(e)!!

General cheerfulness: Crazy me's crazy thoughts

I start off from Ganga with a tune in my mind. It is a cheerful day, just like that, and I am embarking on my usual 'long' walk to Chandrabhaga for lunch. Three bunches of keys hung together, I have the perfect instrument to keep rhythm while I hum some tune that comes to mind. I realize I am actually doing that and wonder what Ankush would say of it... At that first music workshop of his that I had attended in the first of my MA days, he had asked each of us to bring some 'unconventional' musical instrument. Those were the first days of our acquaintance. Hmmm... It has been quite a journey with him and (his) music. After that workshop which did not reach any particular conclusion (almost like a tune sung for no one which simply trails away into the air unnoticed and unheard), we had continuously worked together in various musical ventures from the Music of Errors to White Nights II recently.

I smile. I had been looking up something on Carnatic music on the Internet since the morning, and now I recall some random kirthanam I have learnt. In Bahudhari, I think. And I wonder how Ankush would like to listen to my rendering of the kirthanam right now, in this cheerful mood of mine. It might even go on into a discussion of some similar raag in Hindustani, and as usual, about music in general. I call him, but he is not on campus. Theek hai, I tell myself. I am on the road, on my 'long' walk, soaking up the cheerful winter afternoon sun.

I realize I am thinking of an acquaintance whom I haven't met in a while and about whom I often think. I imagine how it would be if he would appear in front of me just then, and secretly wish it were so. We could have walked together, talking of pleasant and maybe some not-so-pleasant things too.

I have reached the Godavari bus-stop when I notice a dog barking. I watch another dog join him and then both bark together at a pack of dogs a short distance off the road. Oh, defence of territory. Suddenly I am distracted by the voice of someone sitting on the stone bench there looking at me. I look away. Wait a minute, are they speaking to me? Puzzled, I look at the speaker, precisely when he comments in Malayalam (to my surprise) that I didn't even listen to him. I don't recognize him. Why is he speaking to me and that too in Malayalam? He must surely know me, otherwise people generally don't understand from my features that I am a Mallu. Now both of them (I notice there are two members of that same vicious species sitting on the bench) smile at me and one of them asks me where I am coming from. That's supposed to be a greeting, but I personally think it reflects Mallus' general inquisitiveness, nay, curiosity in other people's businesses. I answer something and quickly save myself and him from the embarrassment of telling him that I don't remember him.

The stream of my thoughts broken, I resume my walk. I play with the keys in my hand, and while walking I think of a friend's blog that I had read earlier in the day. It has been a while since I have written anything on  my blog. I should write today. I could just describe this walk and its cheerfulness... But I know, if I don't go for lunch immediately after reaching my hostel I will have to miss it. And if I put off writing till after lunch surely my mood and my thoughts would have changed. What one really needs is a gadget that can just record or transcribe one's thoughts. One can always go back to the transcripts and edit out the pieces one had intended to write. Well, right now I don't have any such thing with me, so I should just make the most of whatever I have...

I have reached my hostel. I go to my room, keep my bag, and go to the mess to have lunch.

That is the end of a 'long' walk. And the end of a generally cheerful day is nearing. Let me go get some coffee to keep my awake.